Here comes the rain.
And the cold. And the wind.
But I’m okay.
Chaos, I believe, has become my normal state. Constant-confusion-and-inner-debates-about-stuff-that-can-never-have-a-right-answer kind of chaos. Always wondering and dreaming, That’s kind of how it goes in my world. I know we’re born wired in a certain way. We create our own way to think and understand things. Apart from me being less of an angry child, nothing has changed about me. I still gasp when I think about what a tiny speck I am in the universe. Still, I contradict myself. I know everything has changed about me.
I remember before I got hitched how all I wanted to do was get hitched. Once it happened I wondered why I wanted to do something so strange and if I could ever just pick up and go. Turns out, I can. I just have to pick up one more person and figure out what to do with the 2 (collectively) eight-legged friends. Then I forced myself to equate independence with a job and lamented at all the Christmas presents I couldn’t buy because I didn’t have one. Many unanswered applications later, I made summer my thing and basked in it. I turned 26, I bought beautiful vegetables and I felt happy to be home. I got a job and didn’t think I would walk again. Just being dramatic. First day was hard. Now, Four months later, I have to do this new thing. I’ll come to that in a bit. I love my job and even though I don’t think I’ll do it forever, I love it right now. Who would’ve thought? Matt said to me today – after I asked him to take me for a drive to a grocery shop – “You’re never happy where you are. You always want to be somewhere else. Look, we’re laying on the floor so nicely.”
Yes. He had a point. I love being covered in dog fur. Though one time he also said I was always happy being where I was. I think I’ll throw that in his face next time.
I had a dream a few nights ago where I was explaining to somebody how there’s no word for goodbye in any language other than in English. I don’t even know if this is true but it must be because I dreamt it, right? I hate saying goodbye. I hate new beginnings. But what I hate the most is standing still. I love this chaos. It defines me. It doesn’t let me decide but yet I feel like I champion when I finally do. I had to quit my job on Friday. I walked home feeling so horrible, knowing I wasn’t finished. I have so much to learn. I explained my reasons, and I knew this was more for me than her. She understood and we’ll be okay. I’ll be back.
So what’s my new thing.
Oh yes.
I’m coming home.
I had a paper with the ingredients listed, along with quantites, on my table for about 2 or 3 weeks. It was right here. I said I wouldn’t throw it away. I threw it away. I guess I forgot. The good part about this recipe is that you don’t really need to measure anything. Precision isn’t a requirement and so I’m going to share it anyway. I wish I wasn’t so careless but I’ll learn this lesson eventually.
Ingredients
- 1 delicata squash, seeds and strings removed and cut in 1 inch slices
- 2-3 tbsp olive oil
- 2 tsp cumin seeds
- 1 tsp dried red pepper flakes
- Sea salt to taste
To garnish
- Handful of chopped parsley
- Goat cheese (optional)
Also,
- 1 cup cooked macaroni, tossed in a little bit o’ butter
Heat the oven to 400 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with foil and lightly brush it with olive oil. In a large bowl, mix the cut delicata squash with the rest of the ingredients in the list, starting with the olive oil. Place the squash on the baking sheet and bake for 20-30 minutes or until soft.
While the squash is roasting, cook your macaroni according to the package instructions and toss it with some butter.
Pull the squash out of the oven when it’s ready. Let it cool for 5 to 10 minutes. Cut the already-cut pieces into smaller parts of 3 or 4 (like in the first picture). Spoon some macaroni in a bowl and top it with the squash. Garnish with a little bit of chopped parsley and some goat cheese.
Eat and mull.
