How to kick ass + Quick spiced asparagus pickles

The strangest of strange things happened to me this week. If I said nothing about it, it wouldn’t make me a very good blogger/journal writer/life documenter now, would it? And I’m all about the documentation of life, while working across from a McDonald’s selling healthy food to people in scrubs.

That was a good show.

It was Monday. This Monday. I was supposed to be selling healthy food to people at Amazon, (not THE Amazon rainforest. {I wish!}) but there was a quick change in the schedule that very morning and I went to hospital town, Seattle instead.

I hadn’t been back there since I quit and went to India for 3 months. I was looking forward to a day where I get everybody’s name wrong and tell them: “HEY! I’m back! Did ya miss me?” They probably didn’t but you know…they pretended like they did. My co-worker/awesome bowl of food maker for the day and I were rolling along, feeding people their lunches when out of nowhere, I stop hearing generator sounds. That tiny generator powers our food cart and the boom box that blasts the music people dance to (on the inside) while waiting for their food. It’s kind of important, especially when the Health Department is concerned. Next thing I hear is: “Hey, that guy just took your generator!”

Well, then.

In the grand scheme of things that go on in my mind, I tend to ponder on the “what could go wrong” ideology quite often. While it NEVER helps me be prepared, it always tricks me into believing I am. For example, I have thought of 10,000 things I will say to my future sexual harassers. While they sound extremely empowering in front of a mirror, they always seem to come out as “F*** you” or “F*** off”. Which helps nobody and just annoys me at my inability to compose (myself) and produce better results.

When that generator got unplugged and carried away into a truck about 25 steps away from me, I knew that very second that this was one of those things that could go wrong. Yes, I thought about it. I have thought about it ever since I started working at the food cart. The exact words that have played in my brain are: “Why would anybody steal this generator? It’s so freakin’ heavy!”

It is very friggin’ heavy. And two guys decided to steal it.

Just like many (read:all) Indian girls and women I know, I have been sexually harassed/molested in public more than once. I have never not reacted and I have never been scared for my life. The anger of not responding to asswipes is harder to deal with than the idea of rape or even death, if you ask me. So, I did the “dumb” thing and ran up to their white truck – with two of them in it. One of them was behind the wheel and the other was in the passenger seat looking really pissed off while holding on so damn tightly to that friggin’ heavy generator. The music stopped so I assumed nobody was dancing (on the inside). I was looking directly at the thief and I put my hand in the truck and grabbed what clearly didn’t belong to him. There was no way I would be able to pull that thing out through the window but he punched my arm anyway. I forget that in America I need to worry about a lot more than a bruised arm so yes, I’m happy I didn’t get a) stabbed or b) shot. Okay so that didn’t work, which is why I’m glad I had a Plan B.

Thanks, Bombay taxi drivers for refusing to take us places all those times*. Plan B was born of your complete lack of professionalism.

I pulled open the truck door and *BOOM*, nobody gets to leave. The thief knew it so he threw the generator out the door, and said in a very gruff voice: “Here! Take it!” They jumped out of their truck through the driver’s side and ran out into the parking lot of America’s greatest fast food chain. I was amused. I know I rolled my eyes. I always roll my eyes at lame things.

From what I remember, somebody called the cops. I told them exactly what I just told you minus all the life experiences and Law and Order references. Apparently I’m a witness now.

Isn’t that cool? I saved everybody’s lunch!

Before I forget, here’s a recipe for pickles.

*It’s only the #1 requirement of your job.

Spiced asparagus pickles

Ingredients

Adapted from Food in Jars

• 2 tall 12 oz glass jars, sterilised (if you use smaller jars, you might have to cut the asparagus shorter)
• 353 gm/12.4 oz bunch of asparagus, blanched and chopped to fit in a jar (this weight is after the ends were snapped off)
• 2 garlic cloves
• 2 whole dried red chillies (I used chile de arbol)
• 2 slices of lemon
• ¾ cup apple cider vinegar
• ¾ cup white vinegar
• 1 ¾ cup water
• 2 tbsp black mustard seeds
• 2 tbsp whole coriander seeds
• 4-6 whole cloves
• 2 sticks cinnamon
• 2 tsp whole peppercorns
• 1 tsp all-spice
• 2 tsp salt

Snap off the woody ends of the asparagus. Fill a wide saucepan or a deep pot with water, lightly salted, and bring to a quick boil. Set aside a bowl of ice cold water for after the asparagus is blanched. Add the asparagus to the water as soon as it boils and let it sit for 30 minutes. Quickly remove the stalks from the water and put it in the ice cold bath. Dry them on a towel and set aside.

Prepare your jars by adding one slice of lemon to each of them. Put the asparagus into the jars so they stand on top of the lemons. Add one garlic clove and dried red chilly to each jar, wedged in between the bright green asparagus.

Now to make the pickling liquid. In a large pot, bring the vinegars and water to a boil, with the spices added to them. Pour the liquid into the jars of asparagus, leaving a little space at the top of the jar. Wipe the rims of the jar and seal it. Put the jars in the fridge. The pickle flavour will intensify over time. Mine have been in the fridge for 2-ish weeks now and I’d like to report, they are amazing in a salad (Recipe for that soon)!